Baby is almost here!!

Wow..its been a few months since i last posted..its amazing how much things have changed for us!! We are now 32.5 weeks (8 months) pregnant with an amazing baby girl! We found out she will be missing fingers on her left hand..but who cares..they are just fingers!! We cant wait to bring her into this world and show her everything! We found out yesterday I will be induced on June 24. So we are fully expecting a June baby now..just like we wanted! She is measuring a bit ahead and the dr is a little concerned! I dont have GD..but she for some reason is gaining alot of weight while im not too horrible! LOL! :) 23lbs as of yesterday! So not too shabby i guess..i have to say im pretty proud of myself! She will be named after my grandmother who passed on March 31 due to pancrititus. She will be Isabella Sue. We will call her Bella. She has her daddy wrapped around her pretty little finger already! He is absolutely ecstatic about his little girl! Cant imagine what life will be like when she is here..We feel so blessed that after every dr you can imagine telling us we would never have bio children that it was just a 1% chance without medical assistance..(even with med assistance..still very small chance) and here she is 6 weeks away from meeting the world..i have my Lord and Savior to thank for that! Cant wait to meet her!

Feeling sad..

Well a couple of weeks have passed by..and i dont think it has really sunk in that we are finally gonna be parents! Im excited..but im not..im scared. After all we have went through im afraid of getting attached. Im afraid of a broken heart yet again. I keep trying to imagine myself as a mommy..buying a crib and a carseat soon..happy at a babyshower..i know i have absoultely no reason to be scared..but i am.

I know i can worry things to happen..im really trying to be happy! I still inspect the toilet paper every day and make sure there is nothing in the potty! I know..my anxiety is killing me..literally! I hate feeling this way..i want to enjoy my baby growing..but every time i turn around im told not to get too excited or to "be careful" why? Why do i have to be careful..yes it took a while to get pregnant..but im not disabled..my baby isnt going to die! This really sux!

Its really hard when my family is soo happy..but im not:( I dont even like to tell people im preggo..im not sure why really..but i guess im just gonna pretend i will be a mommy..and try my best to care for my little peanut! Hopefully it will be different next time i post!

Finally!

Well its been a while since i have been on here. It was just too heartbreaking. After the ivf failed..i found out my little sister was going to have a baby...It wasnt fair..it hurt..i felt like i was being punished. Well months went by and i was getting used to the idea. I had been trying a million things like i had we had a chance to conceive on our own. We tried everything by this time! Its been rough. Well i had been feeling a little off (i chalked it up to working out too hard) and we had tried yet another natural supplement. Well af was late...my mom wanted me to test but i was soo afraid of the heartbreak..afterall nothing else had worked why would this..and boom!! I saw the two lines i had waited so long to see.

I put it in the computer and we figured out that in July 2011..we will have our precious child we have prayed and longed for; for so long!! IM FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!

One step backwards

Well i went in on the 18th for my b/w. I had a horrible feeling. I lost my cramping..but somehow i knew. I got the call on the 19th..dh took it. It was a bfn. :( We cried together for a couple of hours. Then dh had to leave me alone (at night) to go to work...it was rough.

AF didnt show until the following Friday. She was surprisingly light and only lasted for 3 1/2 days. It was really only spotting.

Im doing better now..or so i think. I still have that strong desire to be a mother..but i dont feel my fight with infertility is over...next year we plan on trying ivf again. We didnt have any frozen babies..so we have to start from scratch again..but i will do whatever i have to to be a mother and make dh a father!

Halfway there

Well today is 6dp3dt..im almost to my beta...im so nervous. I dont like this feeling..its so undescribable. Im sad..happy..nervous..and just plain mad all at once..i just dont know what to feel.
After getting the news on transfer day i just cant seem to bring myself out of my negative thoughts! it seems as though everyone who knows has a positive feeling but i cant..WHY? I can have dreams about having a + test so why cant i bring myself to think it? i guess after all these years of thinking negatively..i got used to it! I want to change that and im going to..for now im PREGNANT! until im proven otherwise. God hears my prayers He knows whats going on..ive been praying for strength but i dont feel i have it..Im sure He gives it to me..but do i take it? I hate this..i want it over with..im going to continue to pray and hope that this is it..that we will have that baby in our arms soon!

More Bad news :(

Well i got the call i have been dreading..i hadnt heard from the REs office..but i figured it was because it was bad news..well turns out i was right. :( I have no frozen babies :(
I felt like they called to say the ivf wasnt going to work..that because those embies didnt make it that the little ones they put back wont either..im just devastated.

So what if it doesnt work? i just dont know yet...i dont know where to go..im holding on to the little hope i do have left..i keep telling myself that the uterus is where the baby should be..and thats where he/she/they are right now..im pregnant right now!So if these babies dont make it..all i can do is pay off this cycle and try one more..after that..i just dont know..we will see where God leads us..for now we will just pray these babies stick around with us..we already love them soo much!

Another Roadblock

Well yesterday was the Embryo Transfer! It didnt go as well as planned..i thought this would be the best day of the whole cycle (besides the + test). I was wrong!

I had to have a full bladder..thats tough..especially when you live 30 minutes from the Dr.'s office! It was so full i had to empty for them to see the ultrasound! Well i went in and saw my Dr. first..there they were the pictures i longed to see from the beginning of the cyle..but they didnt look like they were supposed to..i was in tears! I knew something wasnt right! Well he then explained that they had lost grade over night..that they went from b's and c's to c's and d's..i was devastated! The dr said they used assisted hatching..he then preceded to tell me that it was an egg quality issue..that hurt even more! So he told me that in order to give me the best chance they were going to transfer 3..i believe they were all 8 cell...but i know they were all c's...i just cant seem to remember..my head and my heart were lost at that moment!

The transfer itself went easy..now im laying down and taking it easy..i had planned on that for a while..but i think it will be a bit longer..its all in Gods hands now..i sure hope He has this miracle in store for us!

wow..looks like i have been slacking!!

The retrieval was Saturday (3 April 2010) early in the morning! They retrieved 28 eggies! They seemed pretty shocked i had so many! I responded pretty well with the injections!

Sundays report came in! I had 16 that definitely fertilized..3 that were still hangin in there..there were 8 that were not doing so well..out of those 8..6 didnt make it at all..and we had one lil guy turn out abnormal..the Dr said that with so many eggs its not uncommon for there to be eggs that arent mature.


Fast forward to today! After anxiously awaiting to find out how my lil guys were doing..i got the call!! (A is best and D is not so good) They should be anywhere from 2 cell to 8 cell as of today!
i had:
3-2 cell Grade:1 B and 2 C
4-3 cell Grade:ALL B
4-4 cell Grade: ALL B
3-5 cell Grade ALL B
2-6 cell Grade: ALL B
3-7 cell Grade: ALL C

I wish i had at least 1 A..im a little sad about that..but i guess i should be thankful that God decided to bless me this far! Tomorrow will be my transfer (3 day) im hoping and praying we have a chance to be parents soon!

I wish i had at least one !

Retrieval soon!

So yesterday (thursday) i went in for one of the routine u/s and b/w appts! Wow did God surprise me! I have a 20!! One of my follies went from 18 on wed to 20 on thursday! woo that was quick! I triggered last night and started my steroid! I cant believe it..i only did 8 days of stims and triggered on the 8th day! So Saturday morning is retrieval and my coordinator is predicting my transfer for tuesday! I really hope this works! I feel like im praying all day long..i know God hears but..i guess i know there is a potential for things to go perfect, but i think my biggest fear is knowing..God can do whatever He pleases..i shouldnt try to control that though! Well here goes nothing...updates will come as soon as im alert again! Until then..ill just keep praying!

Almost there!

Today was another RE appt! fun fun! I saw my follies again..they are getting pretty big now! i have an 18 some 16s and a few 14s from what i can remember. The nurse says i might be triggering on Friday for a Sunday retrieval! Im hopeful!

I havent really been happy about this today. All along i have refused to think negative..but today is different. I dont know..Maybe its because i had one of my million pregnant friends announce she is having a boy. Im happy for her..but i feel left out..i want to share that good news too..it hurts alot. Then to just to start the day wrong..hubby couldnt make the appt this morning. As i was leaving the base..noone was aloud to leave..i had to call and tell them i was running late! GRR..i just hate this feeling..i hope tomorrow im feeling better..i hope i get some good news at my appt. we will see.

one step closer!

Well today is cd 5! We went in for the u/s and b/w! The number of follies has grown..now there is 30 (total)! I cant believe it! To top it off..i already have one at 14!!! The nurse says that i will probably be a weekend retrieval! She dropped my follistim dose from 225 to 150! I am now adding on ganirelix! OUCH! that one hurts a bit! But i know in the end this will be well worth it!

Being patient

Well today is day 3 of meds! Im only on the follistim for now but on cd 6 (monday) i have another appt. to see my little follies! I will then add ganirelix (sp?). The Ivf coordintator is going to watch me closely. She says that i will be seen more often then most and that i probably wont be stimming long! Oh i hope she is right! im predicting by what she is saying to have an easter sunday retrieval!! My baby will be conceived on Easter sunday(or close to it)! Im so overwelmed..but i cant help but feel that this is exactly what God wanted..for us to be parents..in His time!!

another baby step

Today we went to the RE.. we are finally doing ivf/icsi! This all feels like a dream. I never imagined myself doing this..all my life i thought we would have no problem when we decided to have a child..little did we know..God had another plan..

We are about 3 years into our journey to baby. We are finally doing this. I went to the REs office today and had an ultrasound to see how my body did with the birth control pills..Absoulutely perfect! 24 Follies!! I have all my meds and i am to start them tomorrow morning! im excited..but oh so nervous..God is on my side!

Our Infertility Journey

Started in Aug. 2006...i went in for a routine pap smear and they found it..something that was going to stop me from my journey to motherhood..a septated uterus that extended down into my cervix. I was told to go home and try for baby for a couple months! I was told that it shouldnt stop me from getting pregnant but that holding it would be difficult! How can you send someone home like that with a 90% chance of miscarriage! That hurt!

August 2007-One year later...Something else dreaded happened..My husband left for Korea for a whole year..one more year to take off of what would be a very long journey! It was the hardest year of my life! Sept. 08- I visited the dr for my follow up pap again..pretty much the same thing..ive become a science experiment...so he orderd some more tests..just what i needed after several tests last year. The results came in it was what he thought a bicornate uterus..(an abnormally shaped uterus) The phone call devastated me "We found the reason you cant concieve and if you did you wouldnt hold it" What..no are you sitting down or where are you or even are you driving..but a harsh you will never have a child quote!! I cried for days!! I tried getting a referral and hoping insurance would cover it...months later..i was in the REs offices scheduling my hysteroscopic resection or the first of three. March 24,08 (my sisters birthday) was the day it was done..i didnt have a good experience..i was sick for the next 12 hours. But most of it was gone. After the surgery..more testing..now my right fallopian tube is blocked! I left and visited my husband the first time i had seen him in 8 months! it was a chance to get away from it all..we planned just right..i should be ovulating! It would work this month for sure!! May of 08 my period came. Another failed month. I called my RE because during my trip i was bleeding..abnormally. I went in for an ultrasound and a few days later got a phone call..we want to do more surgery..to unblock the tube and to remove the extra cervix. June 08-More surgery. This time no post surgery testing..hubby would be home soon and there was nothing she could do. Aug 08-Hubby is home finally!! We saw her once more for a sa and it was concluded that he had low sperm count! I was given a prescription of clomid for 5 refills! Unmonitored cycles of clomid are not a good thing!
Dec 08- We called and got an appointment with a new RE! More surgery for me! There was still a little piece of the septum in my uterus! Got that taken care of and now it was time to focus on my husband! The results came back as normal count..but low vol. Wierd but okay. A follow up showed normal volume but abnormal morphology. He was prescribed to take high doses of Vit. C & Vit E. Follow up 3 months later showed no improvement. We were told our options were small and the best bet would be IVF with ICSI. What?? no way!! IVF is for infertile people..that was a devastation to me! We waited a few months..and here we are...
Monday Aug. 17, i called the dr to find out about trying intrauterine insemination. The RE wanted a follow up. I went in on tuesday and was advised that we only had a 5% chance of concieving with IUI. I pretty much knew it. So i walked out of the office with birth control and a tenative calendar for ivf! Here our journey begins!
Today i am on day 4 of the birth control. God is in control and whatever happens is His will for us. We can only hold on to what He gives. Right now He is right beside us..all things are possible through Him! I leave you with that for today. Praise God we have the finances to do this!

The Beginning

Okay..well im doing this because I read one of my friends and she had an idea i never thought of..blogging it out! I am still learning how to work this but im sure just as i have with myspace i will learn!

It is hard to believe we have been married for 3 years already! I am over the moon in love with my husband. We met when i was 15 and he was 16! I love to tell the story of how we ended up married..its a fairytale!

We met in a class we had together our sophmore year of highschool! I always told myself i cant like him..ill never have him!! Boy was i wrong! We started passing notes in class..talking on the phone all the time and then going to teen night at the swimming pool!! We were best friends! We told eachother everything! Then he finally asked me to be his girlfriend! We were together on and off about a year! Well then he decided it was time to go our seprate ways. That was hard. He had found someone else and i was left broken. 2 years had passed and we had graduated and he had joined the air force and left the little town we both grew up in. I was in college and working at a daycare in our little town. My parents decided that my grand parents had grown old enough to need someone to care for them in oklahoma. I had the option to stay but decided it was in my best interest to go. I found a new daycare job (my favorite) and was working full time i had a scholarship and was going to school full time as well..i loved the busy life! While going on with life i was talking on the phone with a highschool classmate (this was about 3 years after we had graduated) and his brother happened to walk by my friend at a birthday party! She put him on the phone and i just had enough time to give him my phone number before someone had knocked on the door! He didnt call for a whole week!! Come to find out his brother kept the number from him! Well we talked for hours again and he wanted to get back together with me. I didnt think it was a good idea at the time and told him i needed changes first! Well it happened and about a year later... on May 5, 2006 we were married and we couldnt be happier!

I know this is a long story..ill share more later as well as our road to having the child we have always wanted!