Feeling sad..

Well a couple of weeks have passed by..and i dont think it has really sunk in that we are finally gonna be parents! Im excited..but im not..im scared. After all we have went through im afraid of getting attached. Im afraid of a broken heart yet again. I keep trying to imagine myself as a mommy..buying a crib and a carseat soon..happy at a babyshower..i know i have absoultely no reason to be scared..but i am.

I know i can worry things to happen..im really trying to be happy! I still inspect the toilet paper every day and make sure there is nothing in the potty! I know..my anxiety is killing me..literally! I hate feeling this way..i want to enjoy my baby growing..but every time i turn around im told not to get too excited or to "be careful" why? Why do i have to be careful..yes it took a while to get pregnant..but im not disabled..my baby isnt going to die! This really sux!

Its really hard when my family is soo happy..but im not:( I dont even like to tell people im preggo..im not sure why really..but i guess im just gonna pretend i will be a mommy..and try my best to care for my little peanut! Hopefully it will be different next time i post!

Finally!

Well its been a while since i have been on here. It was just too heartbreaking. After the ivf failed..i found out my little sister was going to have a baby...It wasnt fair..it hurt..i felt like i was being punished. Well months went by and i was getting used to the idea. I had been trying a million things like i had we had a chance to conceive on our own. We tried everything by this time! Its been rough. Well i had been feeling a little off (i chalked it up to working out too hard) and we had tried yet another natural supplement. Well af was late...my mom wanted me to test but i was soo afraid of the heartbreak..afterall nothing else had worked why would this..and boom!! I saw the two lines i had waited so long to see.

I put it in the computer and we figured out that in July 2011..we will have our precious child we have prayed and longed for; for so long!! IM FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!

One step backwards

Well i went in on the 18th for my b/w. I had a horrible feeling. I lost my cramping..but somehow i knew. I got the call on the 19th..dh took it. It was a bfn. :( We cried together for a couple of hours. Then dh had to leave me alone (at night) to go to work...it was rough.

AF didnt show until the following Friday. She was surprisingly light and only lasted for 3 1/2 days. It was really only spotting.

Im doing better now..or so i think. I still have that strong desire to be a mother..but i dont feel my fight with infertility is over...next year we plan on trying ivf again. We didnt have any frozen babies..so we have to start from scratch again..but i will do whatever i have to to be a mother and make dh a father!

Halfway there

Well today is 6dp3dt..im almost to my beta...im so nervous. I dont like this feeling..its so undescribable. Im sad..happy..nervous..and just plain mad all at once..i just dont know what to feel.
After getting the news on transfer day i just cant seem to bring myself out of my negative thoughts! it seems as though everyone who knows has a positive feeling but i cant..WHY? I can have dreams about having a + test so why cant i bring myself to think it? i guess after all these years of thinking negatively..i got used to it! I want to change that and im going to..for now im PREGNANT! until im proven otherwise. God hears my prayers He knows whats going on..ive been praying for strength but i dont feel i have it..Im sure He gives it to me..but do i take it? I hate this..i want it over with..im going to continue to pray and hope that this is it..that we will have that baby in our arms soon!

More Bad news :(

Well i got the call i have been dreading..i hadnt heard from the REs office..but i figured it was because it was bad news..well turns out i was right. :( I have no frozen babies :(
I felt like they called to say the ivf wasnt going to work..that because those embies didnt make it that the little ones they put back wont either..im just devastated.

So what if it doesnt work? i just dont know yet...i dont know where to go..im holding on to the little hope i do have left..i keep telling myself that the uterus is where the baby should be..and thats where he/she/they are right now..im pregnant right now!So if these babies dont make it..all i can do is pay off this cycle and try one more..after that..i just dont know..we will see where God leads us..for now we will just pray these babies stick around with us..we already love them soo much!

Another Roadblock

Well yesterday was the Embryo Transfer! It didnt go as well as planned..i thought this would be the best day of the whole cycle (besides the + test). I was wrong!

I had to have a full bladder..thats tough..especially when you live 30 minutes from the Dr.'s office! It was so full i had to empty for them to see the ultrasound! Well i went in and saw my Dr. first..there they were the pictures i longed to see from the beginning of the cyle..but they didnt look like they were supposed to..i was in tears! I knew something wasnt right! Well he then explained that they had lost grade over night..that they went from b's and c's to c's and d's..i was devastated! The dr said they used assisted hatching..he then preceded to tell me that it was an egg quality issue..that hurt even more! So he told me that in order to give me the best chance they were going to transfer 3..i believe they were all 8 cell...but i know they were all c's...i just cant seem to remember..my head and my heart were lost at that moment!

The transfer itself went easy..now im laying down and taking it easy..i had planned on that for a while..but i think it will be a bit longer..its all in Gods hands now..i sure hope He has this miracle in store for us!

wow..looks like i have been slacking!!

The retrieval was Saturday (3 April 2010) early in the morning! They retrieved 28 eggies! They seemed pretty shocked i had so many! I responded pretty well with the injections!

Sundays report came in! I had 16 that definitely fertilized..3 that were still hangin in there..there were 8 that were not doing so well..out of those 8..6 didnt make it at all..and we had one lil guy turn out abnormal..the Dr said that with so many eggs its not uncommon for there to be eggs that arent mature.


Fast forward to today! After anxiously awaiting to find out how my lil guys were doing..i got the call!! (A is best and D is not so good) They should be anywhere from 2 cell to 8 cell as of today!
i had:
3-2 cell Grade:1 B and 2 C
4-3 cell Grade:ALL B
4-4 cell Grade: ALL B
3-5 cell Grade ALL B
2-6 cell Grade: ALL B
3-7 cell Grade: ALL C

I wish i had at least 1 A..im a little sad about that..but i guess i should be thankful that God decided to bless me this far! Tomorrow will be my transfer (3 day) im hoping and praying we have a chance to be parents soon!

I wish i had at least one !

Retrieval soon!

So yesterday (thursday) i went in for one of the routine u/s and b/w appts! Wow did God surprise me! I have a 20!! One of my follies went from 18 on wed to 20 on thursday! woo that was quick! I triggered last night and started my steroid! I cant believe it..i only did 8 days of stims and triggered on the 8th day! So Saturday morning is retrieval and my coordinator is predicting my transfer for tuesday! I really hope this works! I feel like im praying all day long..i know God hears but..i guess i know there is a potential for things to go perfect, but i think my biggest fear is knowing..God can do whatever He pleases..i shouldnt try to control that though! Well here goes nothing...updates will come as soon as im alert again! Until then..ill just keep praying!

Almost there!

Today was another RE appt! fun fun! I saw my follies again..they are getting pretty big now! i have an 18 some 16s and a few 14s from what i can remember. The nurse says i might be triggering on Friday for a Sunday retrieval! Im hopeful!

I havent really been happy about this today. All along i have refused to think negative..but today is different. I dont know..Maybe its because i had one of my million pregnant friends announce she is having a boy. Im happy for her..but i feel left out..i want to share that good news too..it hurts alot. Then to just to start the day wrong..hubby couldnt make the appt this morning. As i was leaving the base..noone was aloud to leave..i had to call and tell them i was running late! GRR..i just hate this feeling..i hope tomorrow im feeling better..i hope i get some good news at my appt. we will see.

one step closer!

Well today is cd 5! We went in for the u/s and b/w! The number of follies has grown..now there is 30 (total)! I cant believe it! To top it off..i already have one at 14!!! The nurse says that i will probably be a weekend retrieval! She dropped my follistim dose from 225 to 150! I am now adding on ganirelix! OUCH! that one hurts a bit! But i know in the end this will be well worth it!

Being patient

Well today is day 3 of meds! Im only on the follistim for now but on cd 6 (monday) i have another appt. to see my little follies! I will then add ganirelix (sp?). The Ivf coordintator is going to watch me closely. She says that i will be seen more often then most and that i probably wont be stimming long! Oh i hope she is right! im predicting by what she is saying to have an easter sunday retrieval!! My baby will be conceived on Easter sunday(or close to it)! Im so overwelmed..but i cant help but feel that this is exactly what God wanted..for us to be parents..in His time!!

another baby step

Today we went to the RE.. we are finally doing ivf/icsi! This all feels like a dream. I never imagined myself doing this..all my life i thought we would have no problem when we decided to have a child..little did we know..God had another plan..

We are about 3 years into our journey to baby. We are finally doing this. I went to the REs office today and had an ultrasound to see how my body did with the birth control pills..Absoulutely perfect! 24 Follies!! I have all my meds and i am to start them tomorrow morning! im excited..but oh so nervous..God is on my side!