Well a couple of weeks have passed by..and i dont think it has really sunk in that we are finally gonna be parents! Im excited..but im not..im scared. After all we have went through im afraid of getting attached. Im afraid of a broken heart yet again. I keep trying to imagine myself as a mommy..buying a crib and a carseat soon..happy at a babyshower..i know i have absoultely no reason to be scared..but i am.
I know i can worry things to happen..im really trying to be happy! I still inspect the toilet paper every day and make sure there is nothing in the potty! I know..my anxiety is killing me..literally! I hate feeling this way..i want to enjoy my baby growing..but every time i turn around im told not to get too excited or to "be careful" why? Why do i have to be careful..yes it took a while to get pregnant..but im not disabled..my baby isnt going to die! This really sux!
Its really hard when my family is soo happy..but im not:( I dont even like to tell people im preggo..im not sure why really..but i guess im just gonna pretend i will be a mommy..and try my best to care for my little peanut! Hopefully it will be different next time i post!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Finally!
Well its been a while since i have been on here. It was just too heartbreaking. After the ivf failed..i found out my little sister was going to have a baby...It wasnt fair..it hurt..i felt like i was being punished. Well months went by and i was getting used to the idea. I had been trying a million things like i had we had a chance to conceive on our own. We tried everything by this time! Its been rough. Well i had been feeling a little off (i chalked it up to working out too hard) and we had tried yet another natural supplement. Well af was late...my mom wanted me to test but i was soo afraid of the heartbreak..afterall nothing else had worked why would this..and boom!! I saw the two lines i had waited so long to see.
I put it in the computer and we figured out that in July 2011..we will have our precious child we have prayed and longed for; for so long!! IM FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!
I put it in the computer and we figured out that in July 2011..we will have our precious child we have prayed and longed for; for so long!! IM FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
One step backwards
Well i went in on the 18th for my b/w. I had a horrible feeling. I lost my cramping..but somehow i knew. I got the call on the 19th..dh took it. It was a bfn. :( We cried together for a couple of hours. Then dh had to leave me alone (at night) to go to work...it was rough.
AF didnt show until the following Friday. She was surprisingly light and only lasted for 3 1/2 days. It was really only spotting.
Im doing better now..or so i think. I still have that strong desire to be a mother..but i dont feel my fight with infertility is over...next year we plan on trying ivf again. We didnt have any frozen babies..so we have to start from scratch again..but i will do whatever i have to to be a mother and make dh a father!
AF didnt show until the following Friday. She was surprisingly light and only lasted for 3 1/2 days. It was really only spotting.
Im doing better now..or so i think. I still have that strong desire to be a mother..but i dont feel my fight with infertility is over...next year we plan on trying ivf again. We didnt have any frozen babies..so we have to start from scratch again..but i will do whatever i have to to be a mother and make dh a father!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Halfway there
Well today is 6dp3dt..im almost to my beta...im so nervous. I dont like this feeling..its so undescribable. Im sad..happy..nervous..and just plain mad all at once..i just dont know what to feel.
After getting the news on transfer day i just cant seem to bring myself out of my negative thoughts! it seems as though everyone who knows has a positive feeling but i cant..WHY? I can have dreams about having a + test so why cant i bring myself to think it? i guess after all these years of thinking negatively..i got used to it! I want to change that and im going to..for now im PREGNANT! until im proven otherwise. God hears my prayers He knows whats going on..ive been praying for strength but i dont feel i have it..Im sure He gives it to me..but do i take it? I hate this..i want it over with..im going to continue to pray and hope that this is it..that we will have that baby in our arms soon!
After getting the news on transfer day i just cant seem to bring myself out of my negative thoughts! it seems as though everyone who knows has a positive feeling but i cant..WHY? I can have dreams about having a + test so why cant i bring myself to think it? i guess after all these years of thinking negatively..i got used to it! I want to change that and im going to..for now im PREGNANT! until im proven otherwise. God hears my prayers He knows whats going on..ive been praying for strength but i dont feel i have it..Im sure He gives it to me..but do i take it? I hate this..i want it over with..im going to continue to pray and hope that this is it..that we will have that baby in our arms soon!
Friday, April 9, 2010
More Bad news :(
Well i got the call i have been dreading..i hadnt heard from the REs office..but i figured it was because it was bad news..well turns out i was right. :( I have no frozen babies :(
I felt like they called to say the ivf wasnt going to work..that because those embies didnt make it that the little ones they put back wont either..im just devastated.
So what if it doesnt work? i just dont know yet...i dont know where to go..im holding on to the little hope i do have left..i keep telling myself that the uterus is where the baby should be..and thats where he/she/they are right now..im pregnant right now!So if these babies dont make it..all i can do is pay off this cycle and try one more..after that..i just dont know..we will see where God leads us..for now we will just pray these babies stick around with us..we already love them soo much!
I felt like they called to say the ivf wasnt going to work..that because those embies didnt make it that the little ones they put back wont either..im just devastated.
So what if it doesnt work? i just dont know yet...i dont know where to go..im holding on to the little hope i do have left..i keep telling myself that the uterus is where the baby should be..and thats where he/she/they are right now..im pregnant right now!So if these babies dont make it..all i can do is pay off this cycle and try one more..after that..i just dont know..we will see where God leads us..for now we will just pray these babies stick around with us..we already love them soo much!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Another Roadblock
Well yesterday was the Embryo Transfer! It didnt go as well as planned..i thought this would be the best day of the whole cycle (besides the + test). I was wrong!
I had to have a full bladder..thats tough..especially when you live 30 minutes from the Dr.'s office! It was so full i had to empty for them to see the ultrasound! Well i went in and saw my Dr. first..there they were the pictures i longed to see from the beginning of the cyle..but they didnt look like they were supposed to..i was in tears! I knew something wasnt right! Well he then explained that they had lost grade over night..that they went from b's and c's to c's and d's..i was devastated! The dr said they used assisted hatching..he then preceded to tell me that it was an egg quality issue..that hurt even more! So he told me that in order to give me the best chance they were going to transfer 3..i believe they were all 8 cell...but i know they were all c's...i just cant seem to remember..my head and my heart were lost at that moment!
The transfer itself went easy..now im laying down and taking it easy..i had planned on that for a while..but i think it will be a bit longer..its all in Gods hands now..i sure hope He has this miracle in store for us!
I had to have a full bladder..thats tough..especially when you live 30 minutes from the Dr.'s office! It was so full i had to empty for them to see the ultrasound! Well i went in and saw my Dr. first..there they were the pictures i longed to see from the beginning of the cyle..but they didnt look like they were supposed to..i was in tears! I knew something wasnt right! Well he then explained that they had lost grade over night..that they went from b's and c's to c's and d's..i was devastated! The dr said they used assisted hatching..he then preceded to tell me that it was an egg quality issue..that hurt even more! So he told me that in order to give me the best chance they were going to transfer 3..i believe they were all 8 cell...but i know they were all c's...i just cant seem to remember..my head and my heart were lost at that moment!
The transfer itself went easy..now im laying down and taking it easy..i had planned on that for a while..but i think it will be a bit longer..its all in Gods hands now..i sure hope He has this miracle in store for us!
Monday, April 5, 2010
wow..looks like i have been slacking!!
The retrieval was Saturday (3 April 2010) early in the morning! They retrieved 28 eggies! They seemed pretty shocked i had so many! I responded pretty well with the injections!
Sundays report came in! I had 16 that definitely fertilized..3 that were still hangin in there..there were 8 that were not doing so well..out of those 8..6 didnt make it at all..and we had one lil guy turn out abnormal..the Dr said that with so many eggs its not uncommon for there to be eggs that arent mature.
Fast forward to today! After anxiously awaiting to find out how my lil guys were doing..i got the call!! (A is best and D is not so good) They should be anywhere from 2 cell to 8 cell as of today!
i had:
3-2 cell Grade:1 B and 2 C
4-3 cell Grade:ALL B
4-4 cell Grade: ALL B
3-5 cell Grade ALL B
2-6 cell Grade: ALL B
3-7 cell Grade: ALL C
I wish i had at least 1 A..im a little sad about that..but i guess i should be thankful that God decided to bless me this far! Tomorrow will be my transfer (3 day) im hoping and praying we have a chance to be parents soon!
I wish i had at least one !
The retrieval was Saturday (3 April 2010) early in the morning! They retrieved 28 eggies! They seemed pretty shocked i had so many! I responded pretty well with the injections!
Sundays report came in! I had 16 that definitely fertilized..3 that were still hangin in there..there were 8 that were not doing so well..out of those 8..6 didnt make it at all..and we had one lil guy turn out abnormal..the Dr said that with so many eggs its not uncommon for there to be eggs that arent mature.
Fast forward to today! After anxiously awaiting to find out how my lil guys were doing..i got the call!! (A is best and D is not so good) They should be anywhere from 2 cell to 8 cell as of today!
i had:
3-2 cell Grade:1 B and 2 C
4-3 cell Grade:ALL B
4-4 cell Grade: ALL B
3-5 cell Grade ALL B
2-6 cell Grade: ALL B
3-7 cell Grade: ALL C
I wish i had at least 1 A..im a little sad about that..but i guess i should be thankful that God decided to bless me this far! Tomorrow will be my transfer (3 day) im hoping and praying we have a chance to be parents soon!
I wish i had at least one !
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